You don’t have to tell me — you’re a busy person.
Forget work. You’ve got reels to watch and TikToks to write and Reddits to read and Substacks to stack. You’ve got news flashes on sales to get excited about and a world of sports scores to get mad about and, of course, Taylor tidbits to track on Insta, Reddit, Page Six and PopSugar. Not to mention vacations to plan and recipes to save and medical test results to decode and, hey, this column is not going to read itself.
The video player is currently playing an ad. You can skip the ad in three seconds with a mouse or keyboard.And the amazing thing is, you do it all. You and your smartypants phone somehow manage to navigate the ever-expanding universe of information. Nothing slips between the cracks, except your brain.
Oh, your poor brain! It’s overworked and overstressed. Unfortunately, medical science can’t cure your aching brain, but it can do the next best thing. It can name it.
Introducing “Popcorn Brain.”
The name was coined by researcher David Levy in 2011 to describe “an overload of information that can decrease your productivity levels, negatively affect your memory and increase feelings of stress.”
Or so I learned in “Struggling to Focus? It Could be ‘Popcorn Brain,’” a recent Renee Onque post on CNBC.com.
The focus of reporter Onque’s piece is a new book by Harvard physician Dr. Aditi Nerurkar, The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience.
According to the good doctor, “our brains get habituated to this constant streaming of information, making it harder for us to look away and disconnect from our devices, slow down our thoughts and live fully offline.”
If this sounds like you, the following nonsense will sound like me. I’d feel guilty about giving you my bad takes on Nerurkar’s good advice, but I know you’re too popcorn-brained to notice.
No. 1: Limit Yourself to
20 Minutes of Scrolling.
This won’t be easy. Just when you’re deep in critical searches to find photos of Cardi B’s baby and research the dating resume of Jennifer Aniston’s new boyfriend, you’ve lost all sense of time. Since you use the timer feature on your phone, you’ll need to buy a second phone to time your first phone, since you can’t stop doomscrolling when you have a phone in your hand. You’ll then need a third phone to time your second phone. A better choice would be to move a grandfather clock into your cubicle. As its majestic chimes echo through the office on the quarter-hour, 24 hours a day, you’ll receive the attention you’ve been seeking, guaranteed.
No. 2: Turn Off Push Notifications
and Pop-Ups.
The average smartphone user gets about 46 push notifications a day. The endless beeps, buzzes, chirps and cheeps can be distracting, though no one can deny it is essential to know the instant the new Kim Kardashian/Dr. Scholl Foot Pad collab drops. To rid yourself of these disruptive brain burps, simply stuff your ears with noise-canceling marshmallows. They’re a lot cheaper than earbuds and at the end of the day, make a tasty snack.
No. 3: Keep Your Smartphone at least 10 Feet from Your Desk.
No need to measure. Walk to the HR department and leave your phone on the desk of a slumbering HR professional. No more worries about spending too much time on your phone. If it’s in HR, you’ll never go back to get it.
No. 4: Don’t Put Your Phone on the Nightstand When Going to Sleep.
Leaving your phone outside the bedroom door seems like an easy way to turn off your popcorn brain, but when you find yourself in your PJs, sleep-scrolling in the bathtub, stronger remedies must be considered. Before you go to bed, simply FedEx your phone to your own address. Overnight delivery will take your phone out of your hands at night, so you can sleep, and return to it the next morning, when you’re fresh and ready to doomscroll again.
If you’re like most people today, born with a golden smartphone in your ear, it will not be easy to cure yourself of popcorn brain. That’s why I endorse a different state of mind, my state of mind. I call it “Oatmeal Brain.”
With Oatmeal Brain, your mind turns to a warm, lumpy mush. Reels roll on. Substacks stack up. You don’t care. You have zero curiosity, thus zero need to scroll. Having an Oatmeal Brain is no way to live, you may say but let me tell you — it’s a great way to get through the workday.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.