From The Coach: Developing the capacity to handle adversity — and do hard things

I would like to introduce you to an extraordinary leader, a man who endured what former CEO of Medtronic and author Bill George has called “crucible experiences” throughout his life. 

Among those trials, at age 9, his mother unexpectedly passed away. His father, who was emotionally distant from his grieving son, remarried one year later. Fortunately, his stepmother was kind and supportive through his teenage years, but beyond this kind woman, the little boy was very much on his own.

More trauma was to come into this young man’s life with the death of his first romantic love. Her death was a severe emotional blow that plunged him into an almost paralyzing depression. Friends and neighbors worried that he might commit suicide.

He somehow emerged from this, however, to start an entrepreneurial venture with a business partner, who proved to be more interested in drinking than the business. The enterprise failed, leaving the young man deeply in debt. Feeling that he was not cut out for business, he spent several years working at a variety of jobs to pay off the business debts. While doing so, he began the study of law, eventually becoming an attorney. He decided to run for political office — and lost over and over again, eight times over 26 years.

In spite of a life of setbacks, adversity, depression and self-doubt, this man was ultimately elected president of the United States. His name: Abraham Lincoln.

We know that his crucible experiences did not stop when he became president. His beloved son, Willie, died of typhoid fever in 1862. Both Lincoln and his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, were devastated by Willie’s death. Mary’s grief bordered on mental collapse, burdening the president with her erratic behavior. And then, of course, he had the Civil War to deal with.

So, the questions I must raise are: “How did this man gain the capacity to deal with a life of incredible adversity and emerge as the person desperately needed to lead our nation out of its most dire circumstances?” and “How might we learn from his example?”

Lincoln’s path through his crucible experiences to developing his extraordinary capacity for leading includes:

• Cognitive Development: Throughout his life, Lincoln was a voracious reader of the Bible, Stoic philosophy and Shakespeare. He learned to frame suffering as redemptive and instructional, not merely tragic.

• Emotional Agility: He learned to feel deeply — but to channel his emotions into empathy, storytelling and moral clarity. His melancholy didn’t make him weak; it gave him profound compassion. It created deep inner strength and self-reliance.

• Acceptance of Responsibility: Lincoln didn’t declare bankruptcy or run from his debt. He worked honestly to repay every cent. This commitment built moral capital. His failed business partnership led him to become more discerning in future alliances.

• Resilience Through Purpose: Lincoln’s deep belief in the Union and human dignity gave him the resolve to continue when civil war tore the nation apart. Despite the burdens he faced personally, he focused on others, on ending slavery, visiting soldiers and writing personal letters to grieving families.

• Authenticity: Lincoln was radically authentic. He didn’t hide his struggles with depression, nor did he pretend to be infallible. His honesty about the nation’s pain and his own fears earned deep trust.

• Communication that Creates Dialogue and Shared Vision: Lincoln’s speeches (e.g., Gettysburg Address, Second Inaugural) were emotionally honest, morally driven and unifying. He also welcomed dissenting opinions in his cabinet.

• Mutual Respect and Trust: Lincoln’s inclusive leadership and humility earned him long-term trust, even from former critics. His willingness to forgive and elevate others (e.g., appointing political rivals) reflected deep respect.

• Embrace Setbacks: Lincoln treated each of his political losses as a catalyst for learning, not as an indicator of weakness. He adapted and learned, improving his debating, messaging and reputation for integrity.

• Coping Skill Development: Lincoln turned to spiritual reflection, work and empathy for others.

• Patience: Lincoln’s path to leadership involved decades of iterative effort and self-improvement. He had what author Carol S. Dweck has called a “growth mindset.” It characterized his entire life. Despite multiple crucible experiences, he consistently demonstrated patience and resilience.

It is important for us to recognize that Abraham Lincoln was not born with the capacity to deal with adversity and emerge as a strong leader, nor are any of us. But we can learn a great deal from his example.

We will all face crucible challenges in our lives and in our work. And we will see those challenges impacting the lives of others with whom we work and associate. By applying the lessons Lincoln learned, we can gain the capacity to deal with adversity and do hard things — and also help others to do so.

Richard Tyson is the founder, principal owner and president of CEObuilder, which provides forums for consulting and coaching to executives in small businesses.