FROM THE COACH: Before you explode, consider strategies to raise your emotional intelligence

Richard Tyson 

On Nov. 1, 2023, Bobby Knight, famed coach of the Indiana Hoosiers from 1971 to 2000, passed away at the age of 83. Rightfully praised for his innovative defensive schemes, emphasis on team play and ability to develop players, Bobby may instead be best known for his infamous chair-throwing outburst during a game against the Purdue Boilermakers in 1985. While that incident resulted in his ejection from the game, it took another 15 years of misconduct including verbal and physical abuse of players to bring about his dismissal from Indiana in 2000.

We might assume that such temper tantrums occur rarely outside the high-stress world of collegiate and professional sports, but we would be wrong. Consider former CEO of Microsoft, Steve Ballmer, who would have given Bobby Knight considerable competition in chair-throwing. On several occasions, he resorted to pitching furniture during emotional outbursts in corporate executive meetings.

Ballmer’s explosions in the stressful world of leading one of the world’s largest corporations were well-known and well-documented. He created fear among his employees, hindered open communication, stifled innovation and contributed to a culture of stagnation.

There is no question that Ballmer faced extreme competitive pressure in the rapidly changing world of mobile and cloud computing, but he simply wasn’t capable of managing the emotions that these stresses created in him. Ultimately, he stepped down in 2014. It’s interesting to note that his next gig was as the owner of the NBA Los Angeles Clippers. Maybe he and Bobby have more in common than just their outrageous tempers.

And maybe they both have a lot in common with most of us in today’s high-stress world, especially those who are leaders. I think that might include just about everyone, when you consider that angry outbursts affect not just business executives or basketball coaches, but also parents, community leaders, educators, neighbors and even those of us who regularly sit behind the wheel of our cars.

So the question is, how can we overcome the natural tendency to explode, to allow road rage or basketball rage or business rage to grab us in an irresistible chokehold when things don’t go our way? If such reactions are ultimately destructive and unintelligent, how do we inoculate ourselves against them? How can we become truly emotionally intelligent?

On a recent list of the Top Ten Leadership Topics for Executives today, emotional intelligence, or EQ, ranked No. 1. Simply defined, EQ is self-awareness, empathy and interpersonal skills that build strong authentic relationships with others. Leaders who possess a high EQ replace fear and foreboding with respect and trust. They facilitate positivity and engagement among those with whom they interact.

Here are a few ways that high-EQ leaders handle stress:

• Introspection: Pause and assess emotions: Regularly throughout the day, take a moment to ask, “What am I feeling right now?” In high-pressure moments, assess what situations or interactions consistently trigger strong emotions.
• Emotional labeling: When experiencing stress, practice naming the emotion, such as frustration, anxiety or anger. This helps create a mental distance from the emotion, making it easier to manage.
• Pay attention to physical cues: Notice how emotions manifest in the body (tension, heart rate, breathing) as these signals can be early indicators of stress.
• Deep breathing exercises: Use breathwork to calm the body and gain a clearer perspective on emotional states.
• Daily meditation: Even a few minutes of daily meditation can reduce stress and improve emotional awareness.
• Journaling: Writing down thoughts and feelings, especially after high-stress events, helps leaders identify emotional triggers and patterns. Review past journal entries to observe growth in emotional awareness over time.
• Seek feedback from trusted colleagues: Ask for observations from peers, mentors or coaches on emotional reactions in stressful situations.
• Use that feedback constructively: Understand how others perceive your emotional responses to become more aware of how your emotions affect them.
• Work with an executive coach: Coaches can often help leaders recognize and understand emotional patterns in stressful situations.
• Role-playing scenarios: Practice stressful situations with a coach or mentor to better understand emotional reactions and improve response strategies.

These are just a few strategies to help you in your pursuit of a high EQ. There are also a considerable number of excellent books on the topic of emotional intelligence. I have found several by author Daniel Goleman to be excellent guides for increasing EQ. And, if you find yourself feeling the need for even more help, there are many outstanding seminars and courses on this subject, as well as support in the psychological community.

Richard Tyson is the founder, principal owner and president of CEObuilder, which provides forums for consulting and coaching to executives in small businesses.