I don’t know who invented AI, but they did a very good job of it. All I hear about and read about and worry about these days is AI. Really! It’s in my computer. It’s in my phone. It’s in my car. It’s in my refrigerator. It’s in my washer. It’s in my dryer. It’s in my vacuum cleaner. It’s in my brain.
Is it any wonder I’m bored?
Half of what I read is about how AI is going to make our lives better, unless AI destroys the earth and ends the life of every human who lives on it. This is unlikely to happen, the experts assure us, as long as no one prompts AI to do something dangerous, like manufacturing a better paper clip, which it does in the most intelligent way possible — by dropping nuclear bombs on every existing paper clip factory, so we can start over with a new AI-improved design.
If AI doesn’t destroy the earth, it’s not doing much to help the writers of the world. Even a humble workplace humor columnist has seen his well-chosen, meticulously crafted columns sucked up into the AI maw and spit out onto some random website as clickbait. Of course, being so darn intelligent, the AI who performed this act of thievery was sure to surgically remove all the humor from the piece, leaving a flaccid pile of words, without any redeeming value to the reader, the writer or the admirable media company that paid to publish the piece in the first place.
(Well, at least no nuclear bombs are falling on my writer’s atelier. At least, not yet.)
All of which brings us to the question — what comes next? I could ask AI, but I’m not sure I trust it to report on its own demise. So, I’ll take second best. I’ll ask a human. Me.
AI: Artificial Intelligence. A program that performs tasks or produces output normally requiring human intelligence.
BI: Bad Intelligence. A program that searches for the absolutely worst solution to any problem and insists that you try it.
CI: Cat Intelligence. A program that solves problems by researching how a cat would respond to a situation and advises you to do the same. No matter how much you prompt it, Cat Intelligence will ignore you.
DI: Dog Intelligence. Same as CI, but cat behavior is substituted with dog behavior. Like Cat Intelligence, Dog Intelligence is unlikely to give you a useful answer, but it will lick your hand.
EI: Eric Intelligence. A large language model is programmed to emulate the brain of Eric, a 12-year-old boy in Columbia City, Indiana. Eric likes Roblox, skateboarding, Nike hoodies, drones, CrunchLab, Jonas Brothers, Imagine Dragons and IU football. Be aware that when you purchase EI you have a limited time to use the program. After 12 months, Eric discovers girls and then his brain and your software go blank for the next 30 years.
FI: Financial Intelligence. The money-making ideas of financial executives at every bank, brokerage and investment firm are used to produce the absolutely best single strategy to make you money. Unfortunately, the meaning of the answer provided — “strange beans rotting in the midday sun” — is not yet understood by any intelligent being or software, which renders FI somewhat less than useful.
GI: Goldman Intelligence. This program comprises all the good ideas found in the “Work Daze” column since its inception, fifteen years ago. Unfortunately, no one has found a good idea in those 15 years, but we’re hopeful.
HI: Not really an intelligence resource, but when prompted, HI will respond with a cheery “Hi!” which, in this cold, cruel world, will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
JI: Jerk Intelligence. 500,000 GPUs are trained in every jerk move in history. From Napoleon’s ill-fated invasion of Russia in 1812 to Decca Records rejecting the Beatles in 1962, Jerk Intelligence lets the user know what not to do, before they go ahead and do it anyway. Heavy users of JI are found in the executive suite of all major corporations.
XI: XI Intelligence. Specific programs not yet invented but have faith. They will arrive soon and make your life even more miserable.
ZI: Zilch Intelligence. This program knows nothing. It is incapable of providing information on any subject. This makes it the perfect software to recommend for your company.
With ZI, you can forget about losing your job. ZI is so useless, it actually makes you look good.
Now that’s intelligence!
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com
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