I have a question for someone like you: What are the job prospects for someone like me?
Here’s a quick rundown. I’m someone with zero motivation. Someone with few skills and fewer abilities. Someone with no people skills, unless you consider making people really dislike you a skill.
In short, the only strength I have as a job candidate is the knowledge that, as a job candidate, I stink. All of which explains why I was surprised to receive an email from the ginormous job site LinkedIn, announcing that 20 people had viewed my profile in the last 90 days, resulting in seven — count them, seven — “top job picks.”
According to my LinkedIn profile, I am “Major Retired at Not Working Inc.”
“Not Working Inc.” is a company I invented. It doesn’t exist, but “Not Working Inc.” certainly does describe my efforts, or lack thereof, when I was gainfully employed. The “Major Retired” is more accurate, though based on my current income, a better job title would be “Minor Retired.” (It’s difficult to imagine someone who is as bad at retirement as they were at working, but I don’t want to brag.)
As for the seven companies that somehow got the idea that I would be a reasonable candidate for employment, let’s take a closer look at five of them. Better do it fast, because with this kind of magical thinking, it won’t be long until they’re out of business.
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Position: Special Agent Psychology Counseling Experience
Salary: $100,00 to $130,000
While I’m sure no one across the political spectrum wants me working for the FBI, my college major in Experimental Psychology did somehow trigger a response deep within the LinkedIn system. I doubt the system understood that all the experimentation in my program was done on pigeons, not humans. So, if any of the pigeons currently working at the FBI need counseling, I’m your man. If any of the humans are looking for psychological support, sorry, you’re on your own.
Anthropic
Position: Startup Partnerships
Salary: $170,00 to $215,000
Apparently, this cutting-edge AI company is looking for someone who has a skill in “wearing multiple hats,” and, in this area, I surely qualify. I have two hats and I often wear both at the same time.
If that isn’t worth $215K a year, I don’t know what is.
Amazon
Position: Public Policy
Salary: $125K to $206K
According to the job description, my day will be “a blend of strategic planning, relationship building and policy development.” This is exactly my day right now, though I don’t get paid $206K a year to do it. I strategically plan which doughnut I will order at the nearby branch of Fractured Fritters, where I have built a close relationship with Marcel, who is in charge of icing the maple bars. Together, Maurice and I are building a policy whereby I get a free Long John with every six bear claws I order. I’m not sure this agreement will ever make it to a government office, but if the U.S. Senate is willing to get involved, I’m here for it.
Louis Vuitton
Position: Client Relationships Manager
Salary: $120K to $150K
Though I am not generally known as a fashion plate, I do cut quite a dashing picture in my bedazzled mom jeans and pleather chaps. I am, therefore, perfectly qualified to “elevate the Maison’s positioning in the luxury market.” I will require an immediate transfer to the Maison’s office in Paris, where I will swan around town and lounge in 4-star bistros, all at the company’s expense. By the time I return stateside, I will be so unbearable that local merchants will purchase all kinds of merch simply to get me out of their stores.
Santa Rose United Soccer Club
Position: Office Manager
Salary: $26/hr. to $34/hr.
Though the salary is considerably lower than my other job choices, I was immediately drawn to this opportunity. LinkedIn apparently agrees, appending to the listing a “high skills match” logo. Though I have zero interest in establishing “clear, reliable communication with families and volunteers,” I’m sure these Santa Rosa weirdos will eventually come to respect the “don’t bug me and I won’t bug you” policy I learned from the HR department in every job I ever had.
I’m still deciding which of these jobs I will apply for, though any of these companies would be lucky to have me. In the meantime, I’ll keep checking LinkedIn to see if any new opportunities pop up.
It’s much more fun than working.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com
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