It doesn’t matter what job you have, you must agree.
The worst day of the entire year is the day your company whisks you off to some distant location for an “off-site.”
An off-site is supposed to be a positive experience, an occasion where employees throw off the shackles of duties and deadlines to open their minds to new ideas. Freed from work obligations, workers and managers can mix and mingle as human beings, generating megawatts of synergy to produce improved working relationships and out-of-the-box business solutions.
Or so company management would have you believe.
The reality of these corporate vacays is very different.
Just ask an employee of the Whatcom County Washington Disposal of Toxics facility.
According to an email I recently received, the facility will soon be closed for a one-day “off-site staff retreat.” On that day, customers are asked to “not leave toxics in front of the closed gate.”
While I don’t begrudge these employees a day away from one of the few workplaces on earth as toxic as your own, this was not good news. Due to certain missteps in the artisanal production processes of last year’s Christmas fruitcakes, I have been left with the remains of two dozen holiday confections, which, apparently, were found to be toxic by their recipients, who rushed to return them as soon as they arrived.
In the end, the only positive of this situation is that it reminds me of all the off-sites I have attended. It is these experiences that I will use to advise you on some of the wonderful activities you can expect on your next off-site and what you can do to avoid them.
No. 1: Team Building.
Many off-sites use gimmicks and games to build connections among team members. You may be sent on a scavenger hunt or work together building a Lego skyscraper. These activities are useful because, unlike your everyday work assignments, the outcomes are quite important. (A Lego skyscraper collapse could be embarrassing and the failure to return from a scavenger hunt without finding a three-legged, taxidermy goat would be a career-ender.)
One traditional activity is the trust fall. A co-worker stands on top of a chair and, with eyes shut, falls backwards into the waiting arms of their co-workers. The co-operative “save” makes everyone on the team feel more confident, trusting their co-workers. To make the activity even more effective, conspire with your teammates to pull back their arms when the person in the company who annoys you most falls backwards off the chair and lands on the floor with a bone-wrenching thud. This is an example of teamwork at its best. There are big laughs all around and that annoying person will think twice about crossing you in the future.
No. 2: Cross-Functional Bonding.
Think everyone in IT is a nerd? Think everyone in sales is a jerk? Well, you’re right, but you still have to work with them. At an off-site, you can be put together with employees in other departments for fun activities like dodgeball games and sack races. The advantage of bonding with members of other departments is that you’ll learn their tricks. If your partner from HR in the three-legged race tells you no one checks attendance after 3 p.m., you’ve got a free “get out of work” card you can play five days a week.
No. 3: The Team That Sweats Together.
Being told to bring your sneakers to an off-site is a bad sign. Activities in which you can be required to participate include relay races and beach volleyball. (Pro tip: If your company offers pickleball at your off-site, quit.) You can also be assigned a buddy for a “walk and talk.” This exercise has a real advantage. Once out on your walk, you can send your buddy back and just keep walking.
No. 4: Health and Wellness.
If the company off-site is at a wellness spa, expect a day of eating microgreens and drinking kale smoothies. To increase your chance of survival, pack a cheeseburger or two in your backpack and don’t forget the ketchup.
If sauna sessions and ice plunges are on the agenda, call in sick. You certainly don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit or, even worse, without one.
I’m sure the employees of the Whatcom County Toxic Waste Site will be brimming with team spirit when they return from their off-site. And if they happen to find a pile of radioactive fruitcakes waiting outside their gate, don’t blame me. I didn’t do it.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com
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