Spread the news! Companies across the country are no longer rewarding better performance with bigger raises. That’s right! The concept of merit pay no longer has merit. Instead, all employees, good, bad and indifferent, will be getting the same raise.
Yes, that 5 percent bump proudly paid to those who exceed expectations and the 1 percent grudgingly given to those who don’t will no longer be the standard. Instead, all raises will be smooshed together to come up with a middling 2.5 percent, which, like peanut butter across a piece of bread, will be spread.
Get it?
The disconnect between what you do and what you are paid is something I discovered in “Employers Are Spreading Raises Like Peanut Butter — and Workers Are Paying the Price,” a recent article by Gene Marks in The Guardian.
“In total, more than 40 percent of organizations are either using or actively considering standardized, across-the-board or peanut butter pay increases in 2026,” Marks writes, reflecting research from compensation data provider Payscale.
In case you’re wondering, the average peanut butter raise expected in 2026 is 3.5 percent. Marks, himself a small-business owner, believes the entire peanut butter concept is, well, nuts.
“Your higher-performing employees deserve better than this,” he asserts. “And your lower performers should be put on notice.”
There’s a reason this isn’t happening. Managers are lazy. With perfunctory annual reviews, employees who are doing a good job are not rewarded, while bad performers skate. This lack of relevant rewards is especially hard on Gen Z workers. (Comprising an alarming 25 percent of the workforce, these sensitive creatures have grown up in a culture of immediate gratification and, without constant praise, perks and bonuses, tend to grow lethargic and cranky.)
Fortunately, Gen Zers can be mollified with new titles, which make them happy and cost management nothing. This is why we suddenly have weird positions, like Chief Purpose Officer, Customer Happiness Hero, Brand Evangelist and my own title, Senior Satrap of Misinformation.
No question, there are pluses and minuses to the peanut butter raise concept. One definite minus is the 3 percent you can subtract from your 3.6 percent raise. This is the rate of inflation expected for 2026, leaving you with a 0.6 percent bump, barely enough to buy a jar of Skippy.
Another minus stems from a very basic question about your specific peanut butter raise — smooth or crunchy?
Peanut butter comes both ways, of course. So do jobs. Some of your co-workers have it easy. They are never asked to stay late, or work weekends or “think outside the box.” They are in the box and when the top is closed, they’re totally safe.
In a word, their jobs are “smooth.”
Your job is different. Every assignment you get is a challenge, and nothing you do is ever good enough. You have responsibility, but no authority. Lots of enemies and few friends. Your co-workers are hoping you will fail and are doing everything in their power to make that happen.
Your job, you might say, is “crunchy.”
There’s absolutely no reason that someone with a crunchy job should get the same raise as someone whose job is smooth. This is why the concept of the annual performance review must change. To highlight your accomplishments in overcoming the crunchy bits that you face every day, reviews must become more detailed and they should occur on a bi-annual basis, or a monthly basis, or — best of all — a daily basis.
Hey, the stock market fluctuates daily. Why shouldn’t your salary?
The awarding of daily raises will be a challenge to the Human Resources department, one more reason to replace those lazybones with an energetic AI chatbot. You, also, are responsible for broadcasting your accomplishments up and down the org chart.
Why not publish a daily e-newsletter listing your goals and achievements? Mine is called “What Is It Bob Does, Anyway?” Feel free to use that title or insert your own name. Might as well add a podcast — a video podcast. It would be a crime to deny your co-workers the opportunity to see your shining visage.
By setting you apart from the homogenized peanut butter workforce, this personal publicity campaign is sure to pay off. You might still get smooshed, but instead of a measly peanut butter raise, you could get an almond butter raise. Or rise up to management levels where everyone gets a macadamia nut raise.
Hey, if you’re going to be a nut, might as well be a well-paid one.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com
Copyright 2026 Creators Syndicate Inc.