When your bosses said they wanted to increase production, they didn’t mean this.
“This” is the strategy the big bosses in Russia have devised to reverse the country’s population problem. In an attempt to boost a birth rate of 1.4 births per woman, a statistic that a Vladimir Putin spokesperson called “disastrous for the future of the nation,” Health Minister Yevgeny Shestopalov announced that working Russians should “engage in procreation on breaks.”
If this seems significantly dumber than any dumb plan your managers could come up with, workers are advised to hold their tongues. Shestopalov has little sympathy for those who refuse to be team players.
“Being very busy at work is not a valid reason, but a lame excuse,” he said. “You can engage in procreation during breaks, because life flies by too quickly.”
Clearly, the minister never sat through a weekly status meeting at your company.
I learned of the “break it and make it” strategy in “Russians Told to Make Babies During Work Breaks to Help Birth Rate,” a September 2024 article by Khaleda Rahman on newsweek.com. By now, the results of this business plan should have resulted in a steep drop in productivity and a sharp rise in the number of employees pushing baby carriages into work.
According to Rahman, Russia is not the only country with a falling birth rate. Japan, which has had eight straight years of declining birth rates in its shrinking and aging population, is using the carrot approach of enhanced financial benefits for pregnant couples. North Korea has chosen to wield the stick, jailing those whose policies discourage pregnancies. In the United States, where the birth rate has also dipped into “disaster territory” with 1.6 births per woman, the government has resisted both the carrot and the stick.
Until now.
Could a government-approved, management-implemented initiative promoting sex breaks at work take its place among team-building retreats, communication workshops and Secret Santa celebrations? I don’t see why not.
The only question you have now, I’m sure, is how the different departments in your company will respond to this new abnormal. Pass the vodka, comrade, and I’ll tell you what I think.
With its laser-focus on the bottom line, your management will definitely want to make sure that the new procreation-positive system operates with utmost efficiency. Expect weekly meetings with X-rated PowerPoints detailing the location and size of potential trysting spots. Scheduling will also be an issue in boosting participation. It will hardly be productive if a couple from finance arrives at the supply closet at the same time as a throuple from customer service.
Finally, highly compensated consultants will be hired to implement efficiency measures to supercharge the sex-break concept. In other words, whether you are dallying among the routers in the computer closet or going carnal in the coat closet, don’t expect a lot of foreplay. You just don’t have time.
Assume major changes in the recruiting process as HR focuses less on work experience in resumes and more on success in powerlifting events and swimsuit competitions. Performance reviews will also change as salary increases, and promotions will be focused entirely on procreation metrics and time not spent at your desk.
Marketing materials will shift from cold, unemotional lists of product benefits to steamy tableaus of woodland nymphs and satyrs frolicking in a lush woodland aerie. (This may be a stretch if your company manufactures automotive parts or HVAC systems, but trust marketing to make it happen.)
Expect a major upgrade in office amenities. Costco coffee will be replaced with Chateau Margaux. Headache-inducing fluorescent bulbs will be turned off so patchouli-scented candles can turn you on. Elevator music, known to suppress erotic urges, will fade out as steamy hits from Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion fade in. The air conditioning system will pipe in Tom Ford Black Opium perfume, turning every cubicle into a love den.
The cost of high-performing employees leaving the office to give birth could strain budgets. For this reason, the executive fitness center will be turned into a birthing center. The company’s generous family leave policy will be expanded from three days to seven. Child care will be provided by the HR department since they really have nothing to do.
IT people are so weird in broad daylight, you may wonder what happens when the closet door closes and the lights go out.
My advice? Don’t ask.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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