Bob Goldman
If you’re looking for a discussion of the people running for president in the Republican primary, this is not the place to find it. If you are looking for an opinion on the shoes being worn by the people who are running for president in the Republican primary, pull up a footstool.
You’ve come to the right place.
“Why GOP Candidates are Fighting About Shoes,” a recent article by Lora Kelley in The Atlantic, reminds us of the importance of your footwear choices when it comes to sending the right message — to voters and to management.
“In conservative circles with relatively circumscribed dress norms,” Kelley explains, “footwear is a place where taste and personality can shine through.”
“Shoes can change your height, your posture and how you move through space,” adds writer Amanda Mull, “which are all things that engender social responses from people around you.”
(If you doubt the importance of what you wear to your career plans, consider the reaction if you arrived at the office or, if you work from home, at a Zoom meeting wearing a Microkini or a Speedo? Would management applaud your ability to think — and dress — out of the box? Or would they put you in a box and ship you off to Human Resources for reprogramming?)
All of which brings us back to the one place where you can safely and effectively express your “taste and personality”: your feet.
Here are five footwear secrets your podiatrist won’t tell you.
No. 1: Stilettos
With comfy, no-heel shoes from Nike and Allbirds the universally accepted workplace footwear choice, towering three, four or five inches above your co-workers in stilettos says that you see yourself as a superior person, destined to rule the office (if not the world). All it takes is a little chutzpah and a whole lot of balance.
For men, the decision to wear stilettos to work sends a somewhat different message. I’m not exactly sure what that message is, but it will get attention. If you do want to elevate yourself and have neither the chutzpah nor the balance to replace your Johnston & Murphy’s with Louboutins, simply put lifts inside your shoes. No one will ever notice, I guarantee it.
No. 2: Cowboy boots
It used to be that a resume of snooty prep schools and posh Ivy League colleges was a requisite for success. No longer.
“Wearing cowboy boots,” says Mull, “sends the message that you’re not really some kind of desk-job dweeb, but a man’s man who chafes under coastal formality.”
Since rustic signaling can spark accusations of inauthenticity, start calling meetings “campfires,” your lunchtime quiche “grub,” and refer to your co-workers as your “little dogies.”
If this isn’t sufficient to demonstrate your inner cowpuncher, bring a few steers to the office. Keep them in the parking lot, tied to your Tesla, or herd them into your cubicle and let them graze at the salad bar in the company cafeteria.
(Texas longhorns are available at a reasonable price on Amazon, where they can be returned at no cost, though wrapping can be a problem. Better to show your ruthless executive nature and, at the next company meeting, deliver a bad performance review and turn them into burgers.)
No. 3: Flip-flops
Show you’d rather be on a surfboard than on the board of directors. With companies whittling down the workforce, this kind of insouciance will unnerve the hiring — and firing — committee, who will think that to express this kind of confidence, you must know potentially embarrassing company secrets. You don’t, of course, but they will never get past your dirty ankles and mucky toes to find out.
No. 4: Barefoot
Barefooting up the org chart is a risky strategy, and not recommended to the faint of heart — or foot. Not wearing shoes could send a message that you are so underpaid you can no longer afford to buy shoes. It could also send the message that you are so involved in the business that you forget to put on your shoes in the morning. If this is the case, crank it up and “forget” your pants as well.
No. 5: Fuzzy-wuzzy bunny slippers
Want to join Flopsy and Mopsy in the C-suite? Hopping into the office in bunny slippers could make it happen.
Adding rabbit ears and a fluffy tail will make you so adorable that no one could deny you a promotion. Just check the footwear of other team members. If your co-workers are wearing scary stilettos or super-macho cowboy boots, you could end up rabbit stew.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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