WORK DAZE: Make your No. 1 resolution at work no resolutions at work
Bob Goldman
Let’s face it — when it comes to doing your job, you’re perfect.
You’re productive. You’re efficient. You’re pleasant to be around and always make an effort to help your co-workers shine (the ones who aren’t out to get you, anyway).
No wonder you bristle when someone asks if you’ve made any workplace resolutions this year, especially when that person is a highly imperfect doofus, like me.
On the other hand, the work we do and the way we do it is always changing. Twelve months ago, who would have believed that our bosses would literally be begging us to come into the office? Probably the same person who would never believe that an acceptable response would be, “Sorry, dude. I’m just not feeling it today.”
Still, it’s not a bad idea to update the resolutions you made 12 months ago, when 2022 slunk off into the bushes and 2023 burst into the scene, peppy, proud and ready to make your career sizzle.And if the sizzle turned into fizzle, and you do think a few well-chosen resolutions would help you stay happy and employed for the next 12 months, here are three from an expert, that highly imperfect doofus: me.
No. 1: I won’t be afraid of AI.
Is artificial intelligence going to take your job and leave you with the future of a VP of sales in a major, global buggy whip manufacturer? Of course, it is. But that doesn’t mean that you have to spend 2024 worrying about it.
Until the HRbot calls you in for your exit interview, there are myriad ways you can use the cursed program to your advantage. For example, the next time you make a mistake at work — go ahead, I’ll wait here — don’t handle your blunder in the usual way — blaming it on an unsuspecting co-worker. Blame it on AI.
“I ran it through ChatGPT,” you can say in your explanation for shifting 100 percent of the company’s marketing budget into a television advertising blitz on the Trobriand Islands, “which Binged with Bard, which workshopped with Watson, which dallied with Dall-E, which mentioned it to Murf, jabbered with Jasper and won over WOMBO.”
No manager could ding you for the outcome. It is hardly your fault that all the large learning models had gone on a vacation break and never learned that no one on the Trobriand Islands owned a television.
“In 2024, I’m going to make my plans the old-fashioned way,” you conclude. “I’m using my low-tech brain because I value humanity over technology, and if the AI doesn’t agree, I’m going to do what I think right, dagnabbit.”
At this point, everyone in the department will be so afraid of AI that they will lift you up on their shoulders and march you through the office to the IT department, where you can supervise the Grand Disconnect of the company’s mainframe and the Grand Replacement of laptops with abacuses. Or you’ll be fired.
Either way, you won’t spend 2024 in terror. (Can’t say the same for the technology, though. If there’s one thing that advanced AI systems are afraid of, it’s human beings.)
No. 2: I will steer away from controversy.
Let’s face it — everyone is a wee bit sensitive these days. You can see it in the news. You can see it in the coffee room.
If you doubt it, just bring up some non-controversial subject, like whether American or cheddar is the best cheese to use in a cheeseburger and then stand back — shouts and insults will soon be flying, followed by staplers and fists, if no one steps in with the right answer — cave-aged Gorgonzola.
Since so many common areas of workplace discourse have become radioactive, here’s a list of subjects that once were acceptable areas of discussion, but must be avoided in 2024: steamed broccoli, the future of the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce relationship, flavored coffee creamers, Threads versus X versus BlueSky versus Plurk, Norwegian detective shows on Netflix, the weather, home repairs, Norwegian detective shows on Prime, vacations, butterbrickle crunch ice cream, high gas prices, low gas prices, the future of the Taylor Swift-Elon Musk relationship, Norwegian detective shows on Hulu.
(Note: A list of subjects that are safe to talk about is supposed to go here. I couldn’t think of any.)
No. 3: Don’t worry.
2023 was so awful, 2024 can only be better. If it isn’t, don’t worry. Before you know it, we’ll be making no resolutions for 2025.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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