Bob Goldman
Of course you’re worried.
The end of the year is around the corner and with it lurks the dreaded annual performance review.
I’m not sure how your manager feels, but as far as this column goes, your performance has been outstanding. You’ve shown up faithfully every week, even when you could be doing things much more fun, like having a root canal. You’ve laughed at the jokes, when you could find them, and you’ve never once complained to the management of this publication about how the space given to this column could better be used for publishing the annual tonnage of the anchovy catch in the Aleutian Islands. (They only caught a measly 175 tons in 2023, FYI. Hate to read their annual review.)
Thanks to your hard work, the people who pay me are happy. Still, it only makes sense to prepare strategies for dealing with a “does not meet expectations” review from the people who pay you. It is toward this end that Judith Humphrey, a columnist for Fast Company, has written “This Is How to Crush Your Year-End Review.”
Since being a crusher is better than being a crushee, I have summarized and bowdlerized Humphrey’s four strategies for the annual evaluations that are “front-end loaded with tension.”
Unload yourself, my friend, and we’ll both breathe easier.
No. 1: Prepare.
If your current strategy for preparing for your annual review is to hide under your desk from October to January, Humphrey’s advice is straightforward: You need a script.
“Don’t wait to find out what your boss thinks of you,” she says. “Decide what you think of yourself in advance of this meeting and write down your thoughts.”
Whether your script is historical fiction or a rom-com, start with a “statement that shows appreciation for all the wonderful opportunities your manager has given you as their Senior Blame Sponge.”
“Working for you is a master class in avoiding responsibility,” you say. “I look forward to rising up in the company and having my own direct report, so I make major blunders of my own and never get blamed for them.”
(If your manager asks for your opinion of your performance, take them through the part of your script that lists your major accomplishments. That should take about 30 seconds — if you stretch it out.)
No. 2: Pitch Yourself.
The company hired you once. Use your annual review as an opportunity to see if they’ll make the same mistake twice.
When your manager starts listing your failures, both tiny and colossal, develop a thoughtful response, creating the opportunity for a serious, mature dialogue. For example:
“You are persistently late on finishing assignments.”
“I know you are, but what am I?”
“You consistently express a negative attitude toward your work and your co-workers.”
“I know you are, but what am I?”
“You don’t care about the company and its goals.”
“I know you are, but what am I?”
Hey, it worked for Pee-wee. It should work for you.
No. 3: Respond, Don’t React.
Responding is “building on something, reacting is acting against.”
“The last thing you want to do is create an adversarial tone,” advises Humphrey. I don’t agree. It’s good to let your manager see that you will fight for your convictions, just as long as they understand that your convictions are their convictions.
“I always defend you when everyone on the team wants to report you to management,” you could say. “And I always follow your orders, even when they are obviously misguided and just plain stupid.”
It all goes to prove a universal truth when it comes to managing your manager: Responding is better than reacting, but groveling is best of all.
No. 4: Ask About the Future.
“Don’t leave the conversation until you’ve asked what your boss has in store for you,” insists Humphrey.
If your manager can’t immediately answer this question, you’ve got a “Danger, Will Robinson!” situation.
If the review has not been going well and it looks like your annual review is about to segue into an exit interview, it’s time to ask for a raise — a really big one. Refuse to accept responsibility for your mistakes and insist that you are the perfect employee — someone whose talents are essential if the company is to survive.
There is only one conclusion that can come from this combination of ego, greed and delusion. You have exceeded all expectations, and even your dim bulb of a boss will see it.
You, my friend, are management material.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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