Bob Goldman
When are they going to pop the question?
I’m not talking trivialities, like when your sweetie asks, “Will you marry me?” or when Mr. Rogers asks, “Won't You Be My Neighbor?”
No, I’m talking about a major ask — “Will you be my reference?”
It’s flattering when a co-worker sees you as reference material. The problems begin when the only thing you see is the least productive employee on the team — and the most annoying. Putting your good name on the line for a bad co-worker is definitely something you want to avoid.
Of course, there are other reasons for not giving a reference. I found two in “What should I do if I don’t want to be someone’s reference?” by Kathleen Davis on the Fast Company website.
According to Davis, you may refuse a referral request if don’t have anything to say, positive or negative, or if you do have something to say but don’t have time to say it.
I can add three more reasons to “just say no.” The person is super-generous when it comes to picking up lunch checks and you can’t afford for them to leave. They could also be extremely productive and losing them would mean more work for you. Finally, they could use your reference to get a much better job at a much higher salary, and then you would be jealous and even more miserable than you are now.
Whatever the reason, let’s play reference roulette and see if we can come up with a good strategy to help you avoid helping a co-worker.
No. 1: You don’t have anything to say.
Explain to your co-worker that you’d love to provide a reference, but you really don’t know them well enough. If they respond, “But we’ve worked together for the last 12 years,” this may not fly.
“I don’t think I’m the best person to speak to your strengths” is the suggestion from Davis, who adds, “If you know of someone else who would be better suited, suggest them.”
If there is no one in the entire company who would give this loser a reference, suggest they make someone up or use a famous person.
Really, a reference from Bugs Bunny does wonders.
No. 2: They haven’t done a good job.
Don’t write off writing a reference just because a person isn’t good at their job. Search your memory for something — anything — they do well. “You always give the best gifts at our Secret Santa party,” you can say. “That boudoir portrait of you in a kimono will be seared into my memory forever.”
If there’s absolutely nothing the co-worker has accomplished that you can write about, you could be saved by your company’s HR department. Many businesses do not allow personal references based on performance, limiting any response to a confirmation of job title and the length of employment.
“All I can say is that you were here for the last five years,” you explain. “And the time you actually worked during that period was about two months.”
If all else fails, you can quite honestly write about how their performance has been a real boost to your career. “If you’re worried about your future, hire this person,” you could honestly say. “They’re so bad at the job, they’ll make you look great in comparison.”
No. 3: You don’t have time.
This is a difficult excuse to use with a close work friend. They’ll know you have time to write a reference and a six-volume series of fantasy books that take place in a magical kingdom populated by elves, trolls and dragons. (Yes, I am talking about marketing.)
The best you can do is to promise to write the reference and then never do it.
“I’m on it, 24/7,” you can say when asked. “I want to make sure it’s perfect.” Or any of the other excuses you use for not doing your work.
No. 4: Your mental health is at risk.
Being responsible for your work friend getting a better job at a better company would be a threat to your mental health — what’s left of it. This leaves you no choice but to not only refuse their request, but actually write a confidential anti-reference to their potential employer detailing everything your co-worker does wrong, thus condemning them to stay on the job with you forever.
Alternately, you could do the mature thing.
“Sure, I’ll write you a glowing reference,” you say. “Just as soon as I receive the glowing reference you write for me.”
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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