Bob Goldman
Is your boss trying to drag you back to the office? Are they luring you with tantalizing treats of on-demand foot massages from the HR staff and fun team-building events such as Free Dental Floss Fridays?
With perks like these, no one could blame you for bending the knee. Fortunately, there is another answer — start your own business, where you will be your own boss, and you can work from home until the cows come home. (Yes, cows like to work at home, too.)
If years of corporate servitude have dulled your entrepreneurial instincts, a brief review of home-based businesses could open your mind, and blow it, too. That’s what happened to me when I read “20 Ways to Make Money from Home,” a Genevieve Northup article on Indeed.
If opening 20 new businesses sounds like a lot of work, rest assured you don’t have to start them all. Pick the right one and you could become the Warren Buffett of your bedroom, the Mark Cuban of your living room couch.
So, relax. I’ll guide you every step of the way — to certain bankruptcy.
No. 1: Become a virtual assistant.
“A virtual assistant (VA) provides clients with administrative services from a remote location,” explains Northup. Think about it: the scheduling snafus. The suspicious expense account entries. The snarky emails and scary texts. All the mistakes you now do for you can also be done for someone else. And you can charge top dollar. In fact, you are so good at being bad you will could get celebrities to hire you. Gwyneth doesn’t have time to schedule her plastic surgeries on the wrong day and for the wrong body part. Justin is too busy to schedule a private jet to fly him to Paris, Texas, when he wanted to go to Paris, France.
Mistakes such as these have held you back in the ordinary business world, but they will make you a must-hire virtual assistant in celebrity circles. (I may hire you myself. Those Botox appointments don’t make themselves.)
No. 2: Sell your possessions online.
Don’t just sit there. Start selling everything you own. Begin with items you won’t miss — your exercise equipment and your bathroom scale. Next, sell items with an emotional connection, such as your basset hound (Floppy will miss you, but, hey, it’s only business).
You can also sell your clothes. Start with your shoes and work your way up until you are standing naked in an empty house with absolutely nothing to your name, except a bank account, overflowing with cash, that you can use to buy everything all over again. (Except for the gaucho pants. I think we can all agree that was a mistake.)
No. 3: Create webinars.
Back in the day, we used to have “off-sites”: out-of-the-office gatherings to teach us valuable business skills, have fun and promote teamwork. That’s what webinars are today, except they don’t teach, aren’t fun and only promote isolation and discontent. Can’t think of a topic? Leverage the unique business techniques that have turbocharged your career success. Charging $99.95 is peanuts for “Getting Ahead Using Targeted Gossip,” or “Business Success Through Power Napping.” And for “The Stupid Webinar That Teaches You How to Never Have To Watch Another Stupid Webinar,” who wouldn’t pay $299.95? (Crypto cheerfully accepted.)
No. 4: Launch a podcast.
There are 3.2 million podcasts available today. The world definitely needs one more. You’ll need a subject for your pod (my life story is available, FYI.) You also need to espouse an insanely ridiculous belief, such as revealing that our current political unrest was caused by secret Martian landings in Cincinnati in 2022. If you don’t want trouble, give the Martians a cut of the profits. Don’t worry, it’s tax-deductible.
No. 5: Become a Tik-Tok travel influencer.
Before you climb Everest, pack a pair of warm socks. When exploring a volcano, bring sunblock. These are the kinds of exclusive travel tips that can make you rich and famous. Never go anywhere? Millions of people will pay to vicariously experience the thrills and chills of your daily round trip from the bedroom to the BarcaLounger and back again. No ropes. No sherpas. Just a sense of adventure and a pair of fuzzy slippers.
No. 6: Become a workplace humor columnist.
Earn megabucks doing practically nothing by writing a weekly business humor column. A sense of humor is not required, obviously, and you definitely can work from home. In fact, I may come over and work from your home, too.
I think the Martians are on to me.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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