Bob Goldman
You’re late.
I’ve been waiting, like forever, for you to read this week’s column. And now you finally arrive, full of excuses. You were up half the night and overslept, and you were so tired this morning that you couldn’t get your real work done. (As if reading this column wasn’t real work.)
Whatever excuse you make, whatever reprimand you expect, I have a surprise for you.
I’m not mad; I’m glad.
The ability to sleep through the workday is the No. 1 skill you need for business success. After all, it’s not the work you avoid that gets you into trouble; it’s the work you do.
Which brings me to an eye-opening message I recently received from SleepFoundation.org. Titled “Sleepless Nights: How to Function on No Sleep,” the email focuses on how to look like you’re ready to work when you’re really ready for bed.
“There are certain actions you can take,” authors Jay Summer and Dr. Nilong Vyas suggest, “to help you stay up after a sleepless night and remain alert enough to get through work.”
I say, change “you can take” to “you can avoid” and you’ve got a real chance to sleep all night and sleep all day, as well. I call it a snooze-snooze. You’ll call it a win-win.
No. 1: Healthy Meals
Those who want to stay awake are advised to eat a breakfast high in omega-3 fatty acids, such as fish, seafood, grains and nuts. There’s nothing wrong with these choices, except for being depressing and disgusting, as long as you top off your healthy breakfast with a pint or three of Chubby Hubby.
The “initial energy boost” from the ice cream will get you safely to the office and then fade away, leaving you ready, willing and completely able to doze the morning away.
(Medical warning: Eating large quantities of ice cream can give you a condition called Brain Freeze, which may not be covered by your company’s medical insurance. Check with HR. If their brains are frozen, you’re OK.)
No. 2: Strategically Use Caffeine
Science tells us that “ingesting caffeine can potentially improve physical performance and enhance cognitive ability.”
Ingesting caffeine at work produces high levels of coffee snobbery, resulting in endlessly annoying office bickering about growing regions, slurry agitation and how anyone who uses a blade instead of a burr grinder should be shot.
Solve the problem by treating everyone to the foul brew you make at home. If that doesn’t kill coffee drinking in your office, nothing will.
No. 3: Avoid Driving If You Are Too Sleepy
Don’t drive drowsy! The goal is to be awake and alert on your morning commute and then fall asleep the minute you get to work.
I recommend scheduling early morning meetings with your manager. As they ramble on about how hard they work, and how no one appreciates how difficult their job is, and whether they should buy a BMW i7 or a Mercedes-Maybach EQS 680, you will find yourself drifting off to dreamland.
Do try to end the meeting before you lose consciousness. The workday will be over by the time your manager realizes you are sound asleep, and being found totally comatose by the night crew is not a good look.
No. 4: Stay Active
Exercise is something the career sleepyhead must avoid.
When your coworkers start their day with a trip to a gym or a yoga class, explain that you have serious and totally untreatable phantom joint pain that makes it impossible for you to leave your desk. If you have to spend the day ouching and moaning, it’s a small price to pay for the sympathy you will receive.
The downside with this strategy is that you will be bombarded with advice on how to stretch and where to apply heat, ice and tapioca pudding.
When this becomes intolerable, complain to HR. The scorn and humiliation you face for not loving Pilates is definitely workplace abuse.
No. 5: Power Nap
A power nap lasting between 10 and 20 minutes “helps people feel less sleepy, improves memory and helps regulate emotions.”
A power nap eight hours long will erase all memories of what you were supposed to do at work that day and generate emotions of pure joy as you wake up to discover you have slept the workday away and got paid for it, too.
And now that you’ve reached the end of this column, you should start a power nap. It could be my writing, but you’re looking really sleepy.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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