Bob Goldman
It’s frustrating!
The perfect job is out there. You just don’t know how to find it.
On the positive side, you do know where to look.
It’s the same place you went to find your perfect partner. And the perfect place to live. And the perfect outfit to wear in the perfect place to live with your perfect partner. (So, OK, the cargo pants were a mistake, but nobody’s perfect.)
It’s the Internet, of course.
On the last day of September this year there were approximately 9.55 million jobs posted online. One of them has to be perfect for you. The problem is: How do you find the needle of a perfect job in a digital haystack?
Tom Dowd can help.
Dowd is a career development officer and director of career coaching at Guild. He is also the author of a recent article in Fast Company titled “4 Things Many Job Seekers Get Wrong About Finding (and Landing) the Right Role.”
Only four things? The man is clearly an optimist.
With so many open positions, you need a code book to translate what an employer really wants — not easy to do when it’s likely the employer doesn’t know itself.
This brings us to those four pesky mistakes you don’t want to make before swiping right on your perfect job.
No. 1: Putting too much emphasis on job titles.
Don’t be intimidated just because a job comes with a lofty title, like “director of something-or-other” or “vice president of whatchamacallit.” The actual job duties that go with those fancy-schmancy titles may well be in your wheelhouse. If you doubt me, ask our chief asset disposal officer when he’s back from emptying the garbage cans.
To determine the actual work that will be expected, “try matching the action verbs in your resume with what their employees are doing — executing, managing, implementing.” The action words you are looking for are dozing, disappointing and making excuses.
Newfangled “new age” titles like “number ninja” and “senior enthusiasm director” can help. Companies that use such titles are clearly out of their corporate gourds and you should grab that job for “chief goofing-off officer” before they go out of business, which will be soon.
No. 2: Using the job description as a checklist.
Don’t be intimidated by job descriptions that list 15 or 20 required skills, none of which you have. These must-have requirements are an “employer’s wish list.” Sure, they would like to have a Ph.D. in computer science and information technology from MIT, but they could settle for a BA in cheese management from Babybel University.
Also, don’t be discouraged when you see “apparent entry-level positions that require one to three years of prior experience to apply.” Experience means nothing. You’ve worked at your current job for years and still have no idea what you’re doing.
No. 3: Create an experience-based resume.
Technology continues to accelerate change in the workplace, especially with the implementation of wonderful, powerful and totally harmless artificial intelligence. (Note: The previous sentence was written by Bobbot, the AI program that my “loyal readers” have demanded take over this column.)
The velocity of change means you must demonstrate your willingness to join “an adaptable, nimble workplace that can roll with waves of change.”
Highlight your “capacity to learn and grow” with 100 percent true statements of principle, like, “I will be Silly Putty in your hands. You can squeeze me and squish me to implement your dumb ideas and I will never complain,” and “Bend me. Twist me. Hiring me is like hiring Gumby.”
No. 4: Not going after what you want.
Be aggressive. Tom Dowd recommends that you “put on your detective hat. Do some searching on LinkedIn for profiles of people who already work in positions that intrigue you.”
I recommend you put on your detective hat and your detective shoes, too. Once you’ve identified your targets, follow them on- and off-line. Bump into them at their favorite coffee shop. (Spilling your pumpkin spice latte on their laptop is a great way to “meet cute.”) Follow up with a coincidental meeting in their therapist’s waiting room. On Saturdays, drop in at their homes for brunch. Bring a suitcase, as you will probably be invited to stay for the weekend.
With an online connection you could get a referral, but with an off-line, real-life connection you could get something even more valuable — a restraining order. Exactly how that will help you get the perfect job, I have no idea.
Maybe you should ask Bobbot.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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