You really aren’t any good at your job, and you’re even worse at hiding it. The mistakes you make are going to sink your career and your company. That’s why everyone at work hates you.
This isn’t my opinion; it’s yours.
The words come straight from your “inner critic” — that persistent interloper who hides inside your brain, criticizing you when anything goes wrong and belittling you when anything goes right.Or so I learned in “Don’t Silence Your Inner Critic. Talk to It,” a recent Ron Carucci article in the Harvard Business Review. As an executive coach who works with high-placed CEOs, Carucci reveals that a 2023 survey showed “97 percent of successful senior executives had questioned some aspect of their leadership abilities.”
If the big fish question their performance, what hope is there for minnows like thee and me?
Since you are unlikely to banish your inner critic, it makes sense to develop the emotional jiujitsu necessary to wrestle it to the ground. Carucci has developed four moves you can use, and I’ll chime in with a tweak or two to keep you from tapping out.
No. 1: Trace the Origin Story.
That voice in your head may come off as a highly insightful, all-powerful business genius, but everything it knows it learned in the sandbox. Yes, all the insults and indignities you suffered as a child are what motivate your inner critic today.
“The critic’s voice isn’t the voice of truth,” Carucci writes. “It’s the voice of memory.”
Since your inner critic knows so much about you, it is helpful to give it a name. Carucci cites “Little Me Trying to Survive.” I opt for more specificity, like “Third Grade Me Being Picked Last for Soccer Again” or “Teenage Me Whose Parents Won’t Let Me Get a Nose Piercing.”
Instead of letting childhood experiences haunt you, lean into them. Remember those parent-teacher meetings that occurred regularly when you were in middle school? Now that you’re in mid-career, it’s time to bring them back. Have your parents come into the office for a parent-manager meeting. They should bring photos of you as a baby and videos of all your birthday parties. If your manager doesn’t understand what a special person you are, they’ll at least see what you’ve had to deal with at home, which could go a long way to excusing your weird behavior at work.
No. 2: Separate the Method from the Message.
Your inner critic is not trying to hurt you; it’s trying to protect you. To find the helpful nuggets of truth behind the constant litany of fear and doubt, start a conversation with your inner critic. Feel free to let your inner third-grader fly.
Inner critic: It’s a big assignment and you’ll definitely screw it up.
You: It is a big assignment, so I will make sure I am well-prepared to execute flawlessly.
Inner critic: You’re a loser.
You: You’re a jerk-face.
Inner critic: Loser!
You: Jerk-face!
You can conduct this dialog in your journal or in your head, but I recommend conducting it out loud, loudly. When everyone in the office hears you talking to yourself, you’ll never get another big assignment, which solves a lot of problems. (Remember: if you dialog at lunch, your inner critic never picks up a check.)
No. 3: Lead with Self-Compassion, Not Judgment.
Sometimes your inner critic is right. If it points out a mistake you’ve made, it’s OK to forgive yourself and “learn from setbacks rather than collapse under them.”
“Yes, I made a blunder in the new-product introduction and it will likely cost the company a ton of money,” you admit, “but I’m a good person and once I gave a stray cat a bowl of milk, so I shouldn’t feel bad about screwing up the product introduction or the fact I found someone else to take the blame for my mistake.”
Is this kind of delusional rationalizing effective? Well, it works for your manager, and they wouldn’t give a stray cat bupkis.
No. 4: Give the Critic a New Script.
Your goal is to turn your inner critic “from a punisher into a protector, from a saboteur into a strategist.”
Inner Critic: You should never have been hired for this job. You’re a total fake.
You: You’re absolutely right. I’m quitting.
Inner Critic: You don’t have the nerve to quit.
You: Just watch me.
Inner Critic: What will I do? How can I criticize you?
You: That’s your problem. I’m going to get a nose piercing.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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