I have an idea: Instead of waking up every morning feeling fraught and frustrated with your job, you retire. Hang it up. Toddle off into the sunset. Take this job and you-know-what it.
Sounds good, don’t it?
No more mean managers. No more conniving co-workers. No more asinine assignments. No more doomed doables. Instead, it’s just you, doing what you want to do, when and where you want to do it.
Really, I don’t know what you’re waiting for.
Well, maybe I do.
When making decisions about retirement, money is what it often comes down to. As in not having enough. It’s not that you’re avaricious. It’s just that you’ve gotten used to certain things, like eating regularly. Even if you can resolve the money issue — and I do believe that once this EV nonsense evaporates, your investment in Pufferbelly Steam Cars will pay off — you need to realize that “retirement is about emotional needs as well as financial — maybe more than 50 percent.” Or so says retirement expert Christine Benz in “Retire like a pro by doing these 5 things,” a Reuters article from Fast Company.
And for a person as emotional as you, this will be a problem, 100 percent.
While I’m not sure what it means to be a retirement pro, I do think that a retirement amateur should carefully consider those “five things.” Let’s dig in.
No. 1: Be willing to entertain different perspectives.
Some people are traditionalists. They’ll cling to their jobs until they reach the big 6-5. Others want to retire at 40 or 30 or 17. To do so, they embrace life hacks, like refusing to take on debt, which is not easy to do and very unfair to your credit card company.
In another twist to traditional thinking, couples may plan to stagger their retirements. One retires first while the other continues to work. There’s nothing that could possibly go wrong with this strategy, since before either reaches retirement age, the couple is sure to break up.
No. 2: Do not be afraid to be a weirdo.
Like you need me to tell you that.
No. 3: Forget optimization.
If squeezing the most out of every dollar by investing in the stock market makes you nervous, consider keeping retirement assets in cash. According to retirement pro Benz, “having some cash in your portfolio means that your total returns won’t be so high, but if that helps you sleep at night, then that’s still a sound investment.”
Think cash is too risky? Buy gold and keep it under your mattress. Your retirement funds should be secure, but you can forget about sleep at night. Gold bars may be safe, but they are lumpy.
No. 4: Experiment.
Retiring to a foreign country, where prices are lower, may look good when viewed from the safety of your cubicle, but do make an effort to test the waters before you pack your bags.
While still working, devote your vacations to stress-testing your retirement dream destinations. Two weeks should be more than enough time to travel to a country and buy a house, a car and a dog. If you’re not in a relationship, meet a local and get married. If you are in a relationship, it’s up to you.
Can’t decide where to start? I recommend an alphabetical approach.
A couple of weeks should be enough to determine whether Azerbaijan is right for you. If the answer is yes, hire someone to feed your dog and your new partner until you’re ready to retire. If not, use your next vacation to test Belarus, Croatia, Denmark and Estonia.
With any luck, you’ll find the perfect retirement destination before you hit Zambia.
No. 5: Find your “micro-joys.”
When formulating retirement plans, think small.
Spending your retirement ticking off the high-priced items on your bucket list is unrealistic. Dream trips are expensive. So, for that matter, are buckets.
Instead, ask yourself what your simple, everyday pleasures are. I think I know. What makes you happy is spreading gossip. Goofing off. Sabotaging your co-workers. Sucking up to your boss.
One thing all these highly pleasurable, low-cost micro-joys have in common? You can do every single one while still at work. Best of all, you get paid for it.
These are just some of the reasons the smartest thing a retirement pro can do is never retire. Feel free to think about retiring, plan for and worry about it, but don’t leave until they drag you out screaming.
You can thank me when you get to Zambia.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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