Bob Goldman
I like you.
Let’s get that straight, right at the jump.
Of course, I’m a person with low expectations and a high bar for bad behavior. In other words, you can be a terrible person and I still will find something to like about you, like the fact that you’re so awful you make me look good.
There could be others in your office who like you, too, but let’s be honest here — when even one person at work doesn’t like you, even if that person is a world-class jerk, it stings. Which is why you’ll like Rebecca Fishbein, the author of “How Not to Care When People Don’t Like You,” an article recently pushed my way by Lifehacker.com.
Your chance of being disliked is higher in an office situation than in a social situation. The people with whom you work were not chosen because they had the skill of getting along with you. This is very unlike the people with whom you share common interests, such as the other members of your barbershop quartet, or the friendly folk with whom you bond over your passion for collecting antique Pez dispensers.
If you’re facing a wave of hostility that stretches from the coffee room to the conference room, here are five steps you can take to become a person everyone can like, like starting right now.
No. 1: Feel the pain.
If you think Neanderthals were an easygoing bunch who could really get along, think again.
“When we were living in tribes,” says anxiety expert Chloe Brotheridge, “being rejected and kicked out of the community would have been a matter of life or death.”
No wonder rejection triggers “an emotional chemical response, so strong it can physically hurt.”
Trying to win back the people who reject you is baked into our genes. For a Neanderthal this could be accomplished by bopping your antagonist over the head with a coconut. This would probably work in an office setting as well, but I don’t recommend it.
What’s important is to realize is that it is not necessarily you who is in the wrong. People in a work situation have all sorts of crazy ideas, like the belief that your decision to stream polka music at your desk eight hours a day is somehow annoying.
If they’re not into Whoopee John Wilfahrt, it’s not your fault.
No. 2: Build up your social capital.
Sometimes, your rotten personality has nothing to do with why people don’t like you.
“People make specific strategic alliances,” says animal behavior expert Jennifer Verdolin. “Whether they like you or don’t like you may have nothing to do with who you are.”
If you can’t cozy up to management, you can certainly make it appear you’re buddy-buddy with the top brass. Name-dropping is the key to success here, so go right ahead and regale your co-workers with stories about the weekends you spend with your manager crafting lavender bath bombs, or the vacation the two of you are planning to see WrestleMania in Las Vegas.
Unfortunately, you won’t be able to include your co-workers in these intimate, out-of-office experiences, but you can offer to put in a good word for them with your BFF. Everyone on the team will be scared of your power, of course, but isn’t that better than being liked?
No. 3: Watch for signs of your own bad behavior.
Maybe people don’t like you because you’re unlikeable. One way to find out is “to ask for feedback as to why you’re disliked,” says Verdolin. You can then “analyze whether there’s some validity to the criticism and work on changing it.”
One change that will definitely be necessary is to get anyone who criticizes you immediately fired.
No. 4: Making friends takes time.
Don’t expect to join the in-crowd right away. Target one or two losers and offer to be besties. Promise to be loyal and helpful and always be there for them, through thick and thin. It’s a major commitment, but don’t worry. The minute the in-crowd comes calling, you can dump them.
No. 5: Spend extra time with the people who do like you.
Don’t spend all your time trying to convert people who hate your guts. You should also schedule ample time for the few people who like your guts. There is a risk that when your work friends understand how insecure and angry you are, they’ll start disliking you, too, until there’s no one at work who likes you.
You know what that makes you?
Management material.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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