Bob Goldman
Struggling to get through the workday?
You don’t need a new job. You need a new ritual.
Or maybe two, or maybe four, or maybe 10. Speaking frankly, it’s difficult to judge how many rituals are need by someone in your dire condition.
And what is a workday ritual, anyway? According to “The Research-Backed Benefits of Daily Rituals,” an article by professor Michael J. Norton published recently in the Harvard Business Review, the purpose of a workplace ritual is to “provide structure and meaning to our days at work.”
Hey, after you’ve given up on job satisfaction, career advancement and a comfortable, early retirement, what else is there?
The rituals discussed in the HBR article can be as mundane as starting your workday by brushing your teeth or getting through your workday by brushing off a manager. Rituals can not only get you through a day at the office but also help you speed your way out of the office — either at night, if you play by the rules, or after lunch, if sneaking out of work before difficult afternoons is a ritual you never, ever want to give up.
Let’s review what an extensive research study turned up for the good professor and see if you can find some exciting new rituals to make your workday work better.
No. 1: Rituals to start the workday.
Yes, getting out of bed and taking off your jam-jams are important rituals when faced with the scary prospect of going to work. (Wearing your jammies under your clothes doesn’t count.) The traditional morning ritual of a hastily gulped cup of coffee can be made even more powerful when your morning cup of Folgers is replaced by cold brew oat milk Frappuccinos served by the stressed-out baristas at the fourth Starbucks you visit.
Putting on makeup is an essential ritual for many people, but hardly necessary for a natural beauty like yourself.
If these morning rituals don’t start you up, take a page from the famous French author Victor Hugo, “who stripped naked and asked his valet to hide his clothes until he met his daily writing quota.”
This should work, though every time I ask my valet to hide my clothes, they cover their eyes and run off screaming. They just don’t make valets like they used to, don’t you agree?
No. 2: Performance rituals.
Once you’ve arrived at the office, a good ritual can move you into peak performance mode. Many people swear by the benefits of holotropic breathwork, a New Age practice that involves quickening breathing patterns to achieve altered states of consciousness. Considering your managers, the only altered state you will experience is unemployment. The last thing your employer wants you to do is spend your time at work breathing.
Another common ritual is listening to music. When you arrive at your desk and realize your job stinks and your career is cratering, plug in your earbuds and give yourself an aural confidence boost. Here’s the playlist I recommend:
“What Was I Made For?” (Billie Eilish). “I Have Nothing” (Whitney Houston). “How to Disappear Completely” (Radiohead). “I’m So Lonesome I Could Die” (Hank Williams).
You’ll be crying like a baby when you get through this play list, but if you can work through the tears, you’ll realize that instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should offer sympathy and support to co-workers who have it worse than you. If you get through the playlist and start laughing, you have no soul, no feelings and no sense of what it means to be a human being. In other words, management material.
No. 3: End-of-day rituals.
Many people have end-of-day rituals designed to keep them from taking work home with them.
Considering all the work you don’t get done every day, the classic ritual of closing the tabs and quitting the apps on your laptop won’t cut it. Instead of clicking “shut down,” put your laptop down on the floor and jump on it 10 times — once for every time that day your manager gave you the fish-eye.
When your laptop is in pieces at your feet, you’ll know your workday is over. You’ll also know that it will be impossible to bring your work home.
Finish the ritual by swinging by IT to order a new laptop to be delivered to your workstation by start of business the next day. If the IT professionals resist, go full Victor Hugo on them.
IT will have that new laptop ready before you finish taking off your socks.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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