Bob Goldman
CEOs are pounding their desktops. “Back to the office!” they cry. “Back to the office, say I!”
You really can’t blame them. To a CEO, an employee is not just someone they pay. An employee is someone they own.
It was COVID-19 that sent employees sliding into home. Not only did remote work keep employees healthier, but it also made them happier. And — surprise! surprise! — happier employees are more productive.
Meanwhile, a less-well-known effect of the work-from-home revolution was occurring back in the office. With so many employees working remotely, management realized they didn’t need so much office space. Instead of an ocean of empty desks, companies could do with a pond. Across the country, office space was jettisoned, saving billions in rent, not to mention the billions saved on employee luxuries like desk blotters, pencils, paper clips and really bad coffee.
That was then. This — in case you haven’t noticed — is now.
Now, the work-from-home trend has been replaced by a return-to-office mandate. Top executives are calling “Olly, Olly, Oxen Free.” The game of hide and seek is over. It’s time to return to base.
Which raises a problem — a problem illuminated in “Managers Have Won the War on Remote Work. But Where Does Everyone Sit?”, a recent article by Andrew Rice in New York Magazine.
If you are among the recently returned, you surely have noticed the problem. With acres of available office space spun off, where do the returning hordes sit? The proposals offered by management are not inspired. You could be ordered to share a desk. Worse, you could be ordered to share a chair. (Not a great outcome, considering all the weight you put on working next to your refrigerator.)
Luckily for you, someone has a solution. Unluckily for you, that person is me.
No. 1: Bring your medicine chest to work.
Sharing a desk with co-workers is uncomfortable. Also, unhealthy. It’s the perfect time to catch an imaginary disease.
Declare your commitment to being sick by constructing a mountain of Kleenex boxes on your slice of the desktop. Not even the most committed desk-sharer will sit through days of coughing and wheezing. If they do seem willing to tolerate your hacking, up the game with a slathering of odorific menthol rub. Once your co-worker believes they’re in a toxic zone, they’ll go running, guaranteed.
No. 2: Schedule critical bathroom visits.
Your peace of mind is too important to leave bathroom visits to the call of nature. Use the shiny new artificial intelligence program your company has installed to create a schedule that reflects historical bathroom data. Prompt the AI to add visits to — and long waits at — the copying machine, the printer, the HR department, the mailroom, the breakroom, the supply closet, the main and minor conference rooms and the phone pod.
You’ll be away from your shared desk most of the day and no one will be able to question you. After all, it’s AI.
No. 3: Proclaim your back pain is back.
Announce your back problem by yipping in pain at every turn and twist of your path from the front door. Once you reach your desk, lay out the giant, economy-size boxes of analgesics, both your heated and chilled back braces, muscle stimulation devices, joint cream — mentholated, of course — lumbar-support pillow and electric back massager.
Continuing to work through all the pain you pretend to suffer will burnish your reputation as a loyal employee. It will also evoke sympathy from co-workers and managers, who have their own imaginary medical issues.
No. 4: Develop your skills at footsie.
While a multi-employee desk share will create a cluttered desktop, the under-the-desk world is a playground for mischief. Start a wild game of footsie with the nearest pair of feet, being sure to show no expression above the desk. Puzzling out who is playing footsie with whom will enliven an otherwise boring workday. Best of all, the HR rules for inappropriate employee interaction probably do not include footsie.
Remember: What happens under the desk stays under the desk.
No. 5: Don’t worry. Be happy.
Managers know that a return-to-office mandate makes employees want to quit. That’s why they do it. They want you to go and they don’t want to pay severance.
Don’t let the forces of managerial evil win. Seeing you smile through every miserable workday is the best punishment you can dole out. Revenge this sweet makes returning to the office feel almost worth it.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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