Bob Goldman
Of all the advantages enjoyed by today’s remote office worker, an exciting new benefit has emerged. You can now spend a lot more time at all the destination weddings you probably didn’t want to attend in the first place.
Julie Weed, a reporter for the style section of The New York Times, schooled me on the subject in her recent article, “Type All Day, Toast All Night: The Rise of Remote-Work Weddings.”
As someone who has no style at all, I was impressed by the concept of a three-, five- or seven-day wedding, spent luxuriating at some exotic destination, like the five-day extravaganza in East Lansing, Michigan, described in the article.
(Full disclosure: I have been working on a similar concept, the Destination Divorce, but with all the venture bros putting all their money in AI, I couldn’t find anyone to fund it. I also couldn’t find anyone to do it. Apparently, no one wants to linger at a divorce proceeding, even if it means an extra day in Vegas, divvying up the Hummel collection, under the watchful eye of an Elvis impersonator.)
Weddings are different. And if you and your guests work remotely, a weeklong destination wedding is totally doable.
Let’s say the marriage ceremony is on Saturday. Your guests arrive on the Wednesday before. They spend Thursday and Friday working remotely, assuring management that they are being productive by peppering co-workers with Slack messages from the poolside and Zooms between wine tastings. On Saturday, when the wedding festivities shift into high gear, they log off and party on.
On Sunday, with the wedding completed, the typical guest would be heading home, prepared for a gloomy Monday at the office. Not the remote guest. They continue to do a few dribs and drabs of remote work, but mainly, they focus on their tans until the next Wednesday.
(As for the wedding couple, they go back to work before Kara from Human Resources grabs the wedding bouquet. With all the expenses the happy newlyweds have accrued, hosting the weeklong bacchanal, they really have no choice.)
While the idea of the remote wedding is a good one, there is another wedding concept that takes less time and costs less money. It might not do much to show that you love your partner, but it sure does prove that you love your job.
That’s why I say — forget the remote event. Have your wedding in the office.
The advantages are manifold.
No. 1: No expensive globe-trotting.
You keep your regular commute. Yes, it may feel a little silly riding the bus in your wedding gown or showing up at the subway station in your tuxedo, but you’ll save on plane fare, and who knows — you might meet someone better on the way to the office. (If you doubt it, you’re not watching enough movies on the Hallmark Channel.)
No. 2: No pricey venue.
Yes, getting married in a historic hall or a fancy farm does have its charm, but so do all the Benjamins you’ll be putting in your pocket by choosing to get married in the main conference room. If the company is going through rough times, decorate with garlands of pink slips or have that traditional wedding of your dreams by lining the walls with whiteboards.
No. 3: Slash catering costs.
Forget fancy dinners and expensive champagne. Have the guests congregate around the office snack machines while the happy couple passes out rolls of quarters.
No. 4: No battles over who should officiate.
Ask your manager to do the job. They’ll be flattered, but make sure they don’t weave the results of your quarterly review into the ceremony.
“I know you will have a long and happy life together,” they might say, “unlike the upcoming termination you risk unless your attitude improves significantly.”
No. 5: Shop the supply closet for wedding presents.
Put your gift registry on the company website so everyone doesn’t get you a stapler. Or ask everyone to chip in and get a major present, like a copying machine. There’s a beauty in accounting that will go perfectly with your decor.
No. 6: No stupid speeches.
Just be sure to thank Martin in IT. It’s the only way you’ll ever get your laptop fixed.
Your office wedding completed, it’s time for the office honeymoon.
Considering layoffs, it’s likely an executive office can be rented out for peanuts. Just be certain you have your privacy. Hate to have your intimate honeymoon activities critiqued on your next quarterly review.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
COPYRIGHT 2023 CREATORS.COM