Bob Goldman
Are you an “outie” or an “innie”?
If that’s a question you can’t answer, you’re not watching “Severance.”
The buzzy sci-fi drama on Apple TV+ tells the story of Lumon Industries, a giant, malevolent corporation where the onboarding of some employees includes a special surgical procedure. A company neurosurgeon inserts a chip into the brain of each of these new hires, separating one employee into two. There’s an “innie,” who works inside the company’s sterile headquarters from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., and an “outie,” who lives a normal life in the real world from 5 p.m. until 9 a.m. the following day.
Or, as normal of a life as is possible when 50 percent of your persona has been excised from your consciousness. You can see the repercussions. You could be an outie and never know you have an innie, or worse — you could be an innie and never know you have an outie.
And, yes, I do mean you.
If you’re an innie, you need to get a message to your outie. These five tests will let you know.
No. 1: There’s a transition at the front door.
On “Severance,” an employee transitions from outie to innie right after they put on their ID badge and step into an elevator. As they drop into the bowels of Lumon HQ, their expression changes. Their innie is in charge now, leaving their outie behind.
Now, think about the changes you experience when you come to work every morning. When you approach your building, do you feel a growing discomfort, as if you’re making a terrible mistake and really should have called in sick, or chosen another career entirely? As you enter the front door, do you sense other employees looking at you as if you have done something wrong and everyone knows it but you? Does your manager’s cheery greeting leave you feeling that you’re in big trouble, the nature of which will be revealed when you least expect it?
If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’re an innie.
No. 2: You have no idea what you are doing.
The innies at Lumon stare at computer screens, sorting random numbers based on the emotions they evoke — emotions categorized as “woe (WO)”, “frolic (FC)”, “dread(DR)” and “malice (MA).”
The employees have no idea of the ultimate purpose of their work, or even if they are doing it correctly. They only know they must meet strict productivity quotas. It’s pointless and stressful, all at the same time.
If this sounds like your job, you are an innie.
No. 3: Dark and menacing behaviors emanate from HR.
The lives of innies are closely regulated by Human Resources. These icy employees, who are supposed to be empathetic to the staff, instead deliver harsh punishments for bad behavior and strange rewards for being good, like woven finger traps, Lumon erasers and waffle parties.
If this sounds like your company’s HR department, you are an innie. You may not get waffle parties, but logo stress balls and out-of-office team-building events in an escape room are just as unsettling.
No. 4: Other departments are just as strange as yours, only in different ways.
In addition to HR, innies at Lumon Industries occasionally interface with Distribution Control, Optics & Design and a Wellness Department, where employees face inquisitions about their loyalty to the company and endure forced dentistry.
If dealing with the other departments in your company feels like forced dentistry, you’re an innie.
No. 5: Goats. There are goats!
The most mysterious aspect of Lumon is the Mammalians Nurturable Department, a room full of baby goats hidden away in a maze of sterile hallways. The goats are treated better than the employees and are tended by a group of corporate shepherds, dressed in business casual. No one has any idea of the connection of goats to Lumon’s purpose, or how they make sense at all.
Have you seen a room full of baby goats at your company, innie? Keep looking! The goats are there. I promise you. The goats are there.
If learning you are an innie is upsetting to you, you’ll need to let your outie know. If you’re an outie and the idea of forgetting whatever horrible things happen at work the moment you walk out the door sounds enticing, polish up your resume. Lumon could be hiring. If you’d like to star in your own episode of “Severance,” don’t bother to check your health insurance. I regret to inform you there is no surgical procedure available. (And if there was, your insurance wouldn’t cover it.)
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com.
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